Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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