I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
