I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
