You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
