Screwed.edu
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Randomize
