New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
