Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Randomize
