It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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