I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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