Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So much rum. So many feels.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I woke up under a house in Key West
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
