coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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