We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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