guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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