literally had 100 drinks last night.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
