you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
