weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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