sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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