You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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