I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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