Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
