I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I am never drinking with the goths again.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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