It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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