went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
