i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
