Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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