I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
