when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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