you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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