Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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