take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
