No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
