My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm like, not good at living.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
