are you so shy because you have an std?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
