I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
