I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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