Grow some girl-balls and come out already
You smell like a Billy Joel song
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
