dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
