A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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