i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I met the friendliest cop last night
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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