Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
