So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
