and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
