Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
