The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
