Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
