I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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