My Higher Power is John Stamos
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
