ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
