I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
