You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
